Why?

Do you ever wonder why things happen? Why does our Creator give us challenges that we believe we cant bear...or even if we CAN bear the heartache, we still just don't understand why. It all reverts back to the question of “Why?”.

Do you ever feel like every step of your life has been challenge after challenge, heartache after heartache? I often felt like that as a child and teenager, like everyone was 'out to get me'. I guess I thought once I was married, I wouldn't feel like that. I never thought being married would be easy, I just figured my “Big Challenge” stage had passed. I guess the past week just made me think about how much [I feel] I have gone through in the past and how I “don't deserve” this. [Im a whiner, as you can see]. I've faced the biggest challenge of my life, losing a part of me that I was so excited to gain. The joy I had felt, I cannot even begin to explain...and then in the matter of an hour, it was completely gone and there was not a single thing I could do about it. I've felt so helpless this past week. I've tried to blame myself or blame anything because in reality, there was nothing I could do and that bothers me. It bothers me that I was given such happiness, only to have it taken away a month later; Only one month of feeling like something was going to be easy in my life. And now I am faced with bearing the same burden every day, as I watch my sister having her second baby in a month and even a sister-in-law who was actually due the day after I should have been. And then I am reminded from the physical pain. And then there's the reminder of working in a pediatric office and seeing newborns every day. Everything I do feels like a reminder. I feel like I can't escape it.

I just wish it was a horrible dream that I'll wake up from. I want my happiness back.